Getting my post-apocalypse pump on

Since the world went to shit, I’ve been encountering one big problem: The gym is shut, and I can no longer get that much-needed ego boost by going along and lifting heavy things.

Before, I was a copywriter who worked out.
Now I am just a copywriter, meaning when Covid zombies roam the streets and people are putting their own militia armies together, I will be of no use to anyone. Sure, a catchy line might attract people to your killing squad, but after that no-one is going to see the value in a long term content strategy or tone of voice refresh.

I will be one of the first to be eaten, and I can’t be doing with that.

So, like many less dramatic people across the globe, I’ve turned to working out at home. What follows is a list of things that I have tried to lift to give me the same buzz as pumping iron. I’ve tried them all out so that you don’t have to. Please consider how practical this has been when making your militia picks. Thank you.

THE SOFA
The sofa was an obvious choice of things to lift. It is fairly heavy, and I saw a man much bigger than me on Instagram do it. It seemed easy enough for his massive arms to manage, and strength is mostly in the mind, right?

Wrong. Not only was the sofa an awkward bastard to move, it was also hiding lots of crumbs and the odd bit of loose change. Lifting it was a health hazard in more than one way. Do not try and bench press your sofa unless you are a professional big person.

THE VACUUM CLEANER
Much more practical in terms of size, but much less challenging in terms of weight. I could do all kinds of things with the vacuum cleaner (not that, you perv) without feeling any real benefit. Maybe if I hoovered up some heavy dust this would help.

For future reference, lifting a product that has been specifically designed to be easy to carry may not be the best way forward.

A BAG WITH WEIGHTS IN IT
This seemed like an obvious choice. I have some weights, but they are small and light, not big and heavy like a man of my stature is used to. I thought that putting some weights together in a bag would make one heavier weight that would be challenging.

In a way, it was challenging. In another way, it was impossible. The swing of the bag meant that, what should have felt like a bit of extra weight, felt like I was trying to move a whole gym. My arms got scared, my muscles got weak, and the bag wobbled about in front of me mocking my failure.

I don’t know what went wrong with this plan, but I will not be trying it again to save embarrassment.

JUST REGULAR WEIGHTS
As mentioned above, I do own weights. Sadly, they’re far too small for my superior strength. When I bought them I was weedy and weak, and walking home with them from the shop almost killed me. Now I am less weedy, and they spend more time being used as a doorstop.

How many times do you have to lift a small weight to get the same benefit as lifting a big weight? More times than I have the patience for, damn it.

MYSELF
Bodyweight exercises are very on trend during this lockdown, and I can see why. You already own your body and don’t need to buy a new one, making it a very accessible gym accessory. Lifting mine up and down a few times is doing great things for my #goals, and requires much less risk than trying to lift household furniture.

MY FIANCEE
Lifting someone else’s bodyweight can also be good, but only if they agree to it. My fiancée found being deadlifted quite fun at first, but after a while grew tired of the novelty. Now I have to wait for her to fall asleep before doing it, which feels a little weird and makes for awkward conversations over breakfast.

In review, working out from home isn’t quite as fun as working out from the gym, but I’m managing to do enough to ensure when the world ends, I’ll still be fairly useful as a corpse mover/ grave digger/ piece of bait for the undead hoards.

Stay safe.