It’s the end of the year. It’s a time for celebration, for recollection, and for awfully self-indulgent congratulations for all the shit you’ve achieved over the past 12 months.
Already, in this forgotten week between Christmas and New Year, I’ve seen enough vomit-worthy social media updates to last me for the whole of 2016.
“2015 has been hard,” people say, “My cat died, my boyfriend left me, and I’m so thankful for all the people that helped me survive it. You know who you are.”
Your boyfriend left you because you had 12 cats, you moron, and the one that died was grateful for the sweet release from your over-the-top petting. CATS ARE NOT PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT CARE FOR YOU.
Anyway, before I fall even further into this pit of bitter hatred for the majority of the people I’m yet to delete on Facebook, let me introduce you to 2015: A year in sodding review. Based on occasional social media updates and hazy memories, this is my once-a-year chance to remind you all that I’m a sarcastic, alcoholic in waiting, whose main emotion is reluctance. Yay.
Right, this is challenging, as apparently I was pretty quiet on social media in January. Fortunately I write a lot of shit down, and according to that shit I wrote a winning idea for a pitch that would earn work enough to ‘pay my wages for the next 10 years’.
I’ll take it in bulk upfront, if anyone with that power is reading this.
I remember February with great fondness, as our marketing department invited me upstairs and sang me a unique version of ‘Flash, aaahhhh.’
It was a beautiful moment shared between a group of people with too much time on their hands, and led to me writing them their own version of Snoop Dogg’s ‘Drop it like it’s hot.’
Sadly I was told to remove ‘Market like it’s hot’ from the internet, just in case, I don’t know, Jesus cried. Rapping, another talent I get nowhere near enough credit for.
I also got invited to go and do a talk. This was what I delivered:
In March I did a chilli challenge at work, and oh god, I’ve just realised how much of this is about work. Shit, is this all my life is now? Am I just a copywriter with no other source of entertainment? Am I destined for an eternity of writing marketing with no escape?
I don’t know. What I do know is that I rock bunny ears. Make of that what you will.
This was when I was like, ‘Hey, skinny body, let’s see how much weight you can lift before you snap.’ It turns out I can lift loads and I’m still in one piece. Result. Since I started being all fitness conscious I’ve put on 2 stone and been asked to flex my by gran. Only one of these was what I was looking for.
Another thing that happened in April was that all the other copywriters at work pissed off, leaving me to do all of their bastard work. I didn’t used to swear this much, it’s probably just a shitting coincidence.
May was clearly going well, as I posted this picture along with the caption: It’s Friday. Piss off, other days.
Was I feeling tired in May? Was I fed up of doing 3 people’s jobs? Was I getting to the point of MURDERING EVERYONE? Nah, but I was ever so grateful for a drink.
I think my girlfriend was next to me at the time. She still likes me, I’m still surprised.
I took her on our first holiday and we walked around a castle. It was perfect. The holiday, not the castle, that could use a clean.
Did anything happen in July? Not according to Facebook, but let’s face it, all Facebook is good for now is reminding your mum that you’re still alive.
August signalled the start of the football season. I like football, and I very much enjoy watching it with my dad. But oh, how I wish we’d chosen to support a better team that knew what the fuck they were doing.
Here’s a picture of me and my dad looking naively optimistic before 90 minutes of dross.
Erm, wow, hey future Ash, try being more descriptive with your updates, yeah? It’s hard to write engaging, provocative content based on your useless sarcasm.
I think I made a cheesecake in September. Yeah, I did. It was nice. Was that engaging enough for you? People say that content is king, but then I say that people are dickheads.
We’re nearly done, don’t worry. I know you’ve all got better things to be doing like enjoying your life.
My friend came to see me in October and I drank far too much Tequila. They say it makes you happy, but it didn’t – it just made me be sick all over a stranger’s shoes. Sorry about that.
Also, I died. This was not Tequila’s fault, but I doubt it helped.
FIREWORKS!!!! WIZZ! BANG! KAPOW!
Ahem. Me and Morgan went to see the fireworks and I posted the cheesiest thing that’s ever appeared on an affiliated social media account. Hey ho, we look bloody adorable BECAUSE WE ARE.
Our Christmas party had a free bar. That ended well.
Christmas was good though, wasn’t it? Wasn’t Christmas good? It was, wasn’t it?
I ate lots of food and felt thankful for everything that I had. Ha, just kidding, I ate lots of food and resented not being able to afford to eat like that all the time.
So, that was 2015. How was it for you? Don’t tell me, I don’t care.
If you enjoyed it and wish to read more of the same, be sure to take a look at my review of last year. It’s just as hateful.